It took me forever to recap this book. That’s because I hate it. To absolutely no one’s surprise, everyone in this book is a moron.
Hippie Oracle art editor Olivia Davidson and her formerly poor-as-dirt boyfriend Roger Barrett Patman have a conversation in the cafeteria that is the worst exposition I’ve ever read in my life. I mean, I don’t expect much, but come on.
Anyway, what’s said is this: Roger explains his mom died of a heart attack and it was revealed that he’s actually the son of the brother of Bruce Patman’s dad (got all that?). Roger = Bruce’s surprise cousin. Thus, Roger’s now living at the Patman estate.
Roger doesn’t spend time dwelling on the fact that his mother just fucking died; he’s more concerned about using the right fork at the mile-long dinner table. “I wish she could let me know somehow how to change overnight from Roger Barrett to Roger Patman,” Roger says of his mother. Wouldn’t a normal person with—I don’t know—a soul wish instead for his mom to still be alive? Then again, what am I saying with all this talk of “souls”? Sweet Valley might as well be the Hellmouth.
Of course, Jessica Wakefield is hot for Roger now that he’s got access to a fortune and because he’s now “wearing contact lenses, instead of his glasses, and he had on neat corduroys instead of his old jeans.” He sounded hotter before.
Although Jess is currently seeing Neil Freemount, “one of the best-looking guys in the twins’ class” (not counting the other fifty best-looking guys in the class), she vows to break up Olivia and Roger. And so, when the Patmans hold an informal barbecue in Roger’s honor, Jess tries to impress snooty Mrs. Patman by acting like a maid. Huh? I don’t understand a single detail of this plan. I doubt most people with brains do.
However, Mrs. Patman loves Jess and calls her “lovely and poised”. She hints to Jess that Olivia and Roger don’t belong together and someone ought to break them up. But who?!
Jess cashes in on Olivia’s insecurity with Roger’s new lifestyle and attempts to win Roger’s affections by being better at tennis than Olivia and kissing Mrs. Patman’s ass. For some reason, this scheme seems to work for a bit: Olivia and Roger break up after fighting over whether she should go to the Patmans’ party at the country club.
Vulture-style, Jess swoops in, offering to be Roger’s date. She even tells Roger, “Olivia told me she was going to break her date to the dance with you so you’d turn up by yourself and everyone would laugh at you.” Seriously? That sentence is so laughably, obviously dumb, but Roger actually buys this horse hockey—until he overhears Mrs. Patman talking on the phone to some other wealthy dried-up cow about how proud is she that Jess manipulated the situation. Roger (and Elizabeth Wakefield, for some inexplicable reason) go over to Olivia’s, and the couple make up while Liz just sits there and watches them.
Roger and Olivia go to the country club together, and Roger informs Mrs. Patman’s friend that Olivia is his girlfriend. Mrs. Patman, in turn, flips out. Fortunately, Mr. Patman—who’s actually an easy-going, good-natured dude—steps in and tells his wifey to politely STFU. Bleh—SVH villains rarely ever get the comeuppance they truly deserve, no matter how much the ghostwriter tries to pretend that they do.
As a boring subplot, Todd Wilkins and Liz poke their noses where they don’t belong (quelle surprise) and gossip about Regina Morrow, who’s been skipping school and meeting up with an older guy who looks like Paul Newman. They seriously obsess and obsess over it and follow Regina around town, trying to figure out what the deal is. To make matters more annoying, Liz gets upset when she hears other people talking about Regina and acts like it’s none of their business. YOU FUCKING WENT OUT OF YOUR WAY TO STALK HER IN YOUR CAR, LIZ! I hate this girl so much.
Then, when Regina confesses to Liz that the guy owns a modeling agency and she’s going to be on the cover of Ingenue magazine (which she’s been keeping a secret because, well, just because), Liz goes to Todd—her partner in espionage—and is all “I can’t tell you what’s going on! It’s a SECRET! It wouldn’t be fair.” Liz is such a turd.
But of course, she and Todd make up, and he tells her that he doesn’t care that she kept what was supposed to be their secret from him, and is all, “That’s why I love you” or whatever. It’s very irritating.
Other Notes:
- There’s an insinuation of sex! Yes, in a SVH story!: “Well, I guess my mother fell in love with Paul Patman and they spent more and more time together, and—” Roger stopped, his face turning red. “I understand, Roger,” Olivia said softly. I should hope so.
- Jessica’s room is painted brown, which to me has always seemed out-of-character of her; I expected bright reds and oranges. Anyway, she and her family all call it “the Hershey bar,” which makes it sound like a real turd of a room.
- At the barbeque, Bruce Patman wears a tiny little nothingness of a bathing suit that Todd says reminds him “of a Band-Aid.” Way to go, Bruce!
- Also at the barbeque, everyone gapes at Olivia like she’s a criminal because she took two plates of food instead of one. Fatty alert!
- At one point, Liz tells a fib and is “surprised at how quickly the white lie slipped out.” Oh, gimme a break. Liz is probably the only one ever surprised by her own actions. I’m on to you!
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