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#15 – Promises


* Full cover credit to The Closet *

Why does Betsy Martin look forty-five and have my grandmother’s hairdo? I suppose all those years of “drink, drugs, and boys” must’ve really aged her…hairstyle. Jessica Wakefield apparently can’t tear her eyes away from it, even though she shouldn’t talk, with those bangs of hers.

Steven Wakefield’s beloved Tricia Martin dies of leukemia without fanfare on the first few pages. As proof that her family is firmly entrenched on the wrong side of the tracks, her dad and sister, Betsy, are too drunk to be there to see her off into the afterlife. But every single Wakefield is there! Thank heavens; that’s all anyone needs.

With her last breaths, Tricia makes Steven promise to look out for Betsy, and Steven obliges. Then, just as everyone’s leaving, who should rush in but Betsy, looking like a psycho tramp, and starts screaming for Tricia and announcing how she was “busy drinking and smoking everything I could get my hands on.” It’s so exciting when SVH tackles the subjects of drugs and what not. It’s at a point where when Lila Fowler says the word “pot,” it’s erotic.

The Wakefields invite Betsy to stay with them for a bit, correctly predicting that Mr. Martin will disappear on one of his binges. (However, he does appear on the doorstep, but then the incident is never addressed again, like the ghostwriter just forgot s/he ended a chapter with such suspense.) Jess is downright humiliated that such a bad seed would be under her roof because Betsy had a threesome at Miller’s Point with Charlie Cashman and Jim Sturbridge (for real real!) and, as you know, Jess hates girls who give it up; they’re too much competition.

Elizabeth Wakefield, as could be predicted, gives Betsy the benefit of the doubt and learns that she’s a great artist. She tells Steven, who then gives Betsy some paints. Naturally, Betsy soon falls in love with Steven—her freshly dead teenage sister’s boyfriend—and who could blame her? Steven’s sooo fine that he even makes his sisters swoon!

And it’s Steven who really helps Betsy get her set on the right track. He’s the only boy who’s ever respected her, and she mistakes his kindness for lurve. But Jess sets Betsy straight by “accidentally” revealing that Steve’s only watching over her as a favor to Tricia, and Betsy heads straight out to the nearest bar. Screw you, Twelve Steps!

Steven and his artsy friend Jason Stone (who is half sick in love with Betsy) find Betsy hanging out with some lowlifes. Jason calmly removes his eyeglasses and busts out some ninja shit, officially kicking the crap out of the deadbeats. Betsy realizes then that Jason is really the one for her—especially when he finagles her an acceptance to art school—and then they all celebrate with a barbecue!

While all these dramatic going-ons are going on, Winston Egbert has made it his mission to eat large quantities of everything delicious in sight. (This prompts a vaguely homoerotic bet regarding a night out at the Beach Disco between Bruce Patman and Todd Wilkins.) Winston, a.k.a “The Starch King,” takes his act to Guido’s Pizzeria, where he tries to beat the world record of eating seven pizzas but ends up barfing before he can make it happen. Just how all perfect stories end, yes?

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