* Photo credit to The Closet *
It’s the Big Night, y’all! Liz is apparently back in Baby’s arms, smiling and looking lovey with Todd Wilkins again, while Jess looks like she caught a whiff of someone’s booty burp. Why is it impossible for anyone on these covers to wear something attractive? Were the ‘90s really so unfashionable? Don’t answer that.
Devon Whitelaw, Liz’s new paramour, whipped up a little trick to test Liz’s loyalty to him: he wrote Liz a note, pretending to be her ex Todd Wilkins and asking her to meet him on the beach. She shows up, but only to tell Todd that it’s over between them for real real, and she plans on making a new start with Devon at the junior prom. However, Jess forgets to tell Liz about a change in Devon’s plans, so Liz winds up waiting at Secca Lake instead of at the fancy schmancy Palomar House. And who should show up but good ol’ Todd, all tuxed up and ready to take the evil Courtney Kane to prom, but he’s feeling sentimental and reminds Liz of all the good times they had together and how he’d always thought he’d be going to prom with her, and because Liz thinks she’s been stood up, she agrees to go with Todd to the dance. In love again-and-again-and-again!
And what’s that Jessica up to? Well, last we heard of her, she and Lila Fowler were fighting over the same guy, Jordan, but made a pact not to date him. Obviously they both realize that they broke it when they arrive in front of Jordan’s house at the same time on prom night. Jordan greets them, wearing his dirty-ass underpants and eating a hot dog, tells them they’re amoebas-on-fleas-on-rats and slams the door in their faces. Instead of experiencing a feeling of remorse for screwing over each other and promising to never let a boy tear them apart again, Lila and Jess freak out about arriving at prom dateless. Their catalog stunt aside, I don’t understand how they wound up in this predicament in the first place—aren’t they the hottest girls in the free world?
Then the drama starts unfolding faster then you can say Melrose Place. You see, Jess goes to the Palomar House to explain Liz’s delay to Devon. But this good deed of hers dodders away from the track: She not only doesn’t explain Liz’s absence, but she pretends to be Liz for the sake of feeling like she has a date for a bit before giving him back to Liz once they get to the prom. Devon totally buys it, although he does think Liz is acting more like a “party girl” than usual.
But wait! The convoluted plot continues to thicken when the gang all arrives at prom and Devon sees Liz with Todd, and Liz sees Jess with Devon, and Courtney Kane arrives to see Todd ditched her for Liz for a third time. Jess drags Liz into the bathroom and concocts up a scheme that would be best described by Sixteen Candles’ Jake Ryan (swoon4eva) and a very drunk Caroline:
Caroline: Who’s he?
Jake Ryan: That’s me.
Caroline: Who are you?
Jake Ryan: I’m him.
Caroline: Oh. Okay.
In layman’s terms: Both twins are going to be Liz, but they’re going to let their dates think that the other twin is Jessica.
Meanwhile, Lila is fuming because she is THE ONLY ONE there without a date and feels like Jess has screwed her out of a proper prom. She tells Jess off in the bathroom, and who should happen to overhear but Miss Courtney Kane, who’d previously been out in the bushes, plotting how to ruin Todd Wilkins’s life most effectively. Courtney then sidles up to Devon and informs him that he’s actually been dancing with Jessica all night, and then the fecal matter really hits the rotary oscillating machine.
Devon rages at Liz, and then Todd is pissed because Liz clearly still has feelings for Devon, and Liz bursts into tears and flees. That’s something new. Lila, after being recruited for revenge by Courtney, orchestrates the twins meeting in the country club’s golf shed, and Courtney locks them inside along with Maria Slater and Enid Rollins just as the post-prom yacht is sailing off. (Yes, there’s an ocean liner involved.) Enid’s date, the unfortunately named Tad “Blubber” Johnson, turns himself into a human battering ram and tries to bust the door down, while Maria’s date, the male model Tyler, gets a country club employee to let them out. Then they shove a wad of cash at some dude to make off with his speedboat, which Liz magically knows how to work, and they arrive at the yacht just in time too see Courtney Kane shove Todd Wilkins overboard. See? I promised you drama!
Devon and Lila witness Courtney give Todd Wilkins a pool push times ten and everyone flips out. Liz plunges into the icy Pacific to save Todd (like Ned saved Alice all those years ago! Soul mates!). But when Todd comes to, he’s like, “Thanks for saving my life, but I hate you now.” At last! Meanwhile, Devon and Lila somehow wind up in the same speedboat and the twins witness them racing back to shore for who knows why and everyone’s ten shades of upset. Oh my! Big night indeed!
Other Notes:
- In perhaps homage to the last junior prom that was apparently struck from the SVH history books, Jess says dreamily, “It’s going to be a night to remember.” Unlike the last night to remember (which was apparently forgotten).
- Fucking Todd. When he sees Liz at Secca Lake, he’s like, “I guess I really messed up our chance [to go to prom together], didn’t I?” Wha—dude, she was the one screwing around on you! You’re a whole box of tools, man.
- Liz smells of roses, and Jess smells of gardenias, meaning they both smell like old lady perfume.
- Devon should wind up with Enid. That’d really show them all.
—
Please leave a comment and share this content with your friends on social media—
this helps ensure the continuation of the content you love!