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#14 – Deceptions


Are we supposed to believe that this dude on the cover is Nicholas Morrow? He was described in the last book as having waves of jet black hair cascading down to the nape of his neck! Oops. Also depicted is smarmy-faced Elizabeth Wakefield, who doesn’t look half as conflicted as she pretends to be this whole story.

Deceptions opens at Liz’s welcome-back-from-being-kidnapped party, where Nicholas is dumbstruck in the doorway at the sight of Liz’s beauty—despite that Jessica Wakefield has been up his nuts ever since he got to Sweet Valley, and aren’t they supposed to be identical, therefore making it difficult to discriminate when it comes to fucking love at first sight? Ugh, it’s just so dumb.

Nicholas Morrow stalks Liz around the party, demanding dances, while Jess stares at them, likely thinking, “I wish you’d have stayed kidnapped!” (Speaking of which, “Elizabeth had hardly been home an hour after her release from the kidnapper who’d held her captive before Jess brought up” Nicholas Morrow. As if Liz had just been at the mall for a few hours. ARGH!) The Droids perform a song they wrote about Liz’s homecoming, because everyone’s worlds revolve around the fucking Wakefields.

After following Liz around like dog, Nicholas Morrow (who only gets referred to by his first AND last name) actually confesses, “I think I’m falling in love with you!” My God. He doesn’t give a rat’s butt that Liz is dating Todd Wilkins and says that she’s only sixteen—“too young to get tied up with just one person.” You may think that finally someone is making an ounce of sense in these books, until you remember that the same person who said this just fell in love at first sight with a Wakefield twin.

Nicholas Morrow begs her for a date, which is sort of lame and embarrassing, and Liz finally says yes because she “didn’t want to make him feel uneasy by saying no.” She admits to herself that it’s a pity date, and a privilege to date her, Miss “Fairness and Honesty Personified.” SHUN! So yeah—this story is about all the drama over one date Liz couldn’t stand to deny. God forbid she deprive someone of being in her presence.

Meanwhile, Jess is still “in love” with Nicholas Morrow, who’s going into the field of computers, so she uses nerd Randy Mason (who’s “lean and lanky, with horn-rimmed glasses and shock of black hair,” and would probably be a total hipster by today’s standards) to learn about computers to impress her latest obsession. It’s so annoying how Jess thinks she needs to know how to add two plus two (which she says she can “barely” do) to work a computer. She acts like a helpless moron, and if I were Randy Mason, I’d be laughing my ass off at her, but he’s practically creaming himself while talking to her.

Jess cons Randy into hacking into the school’s computer system (which consists of just one computer) and changing her failing math grade. Then, literally five seconds later, she proceeds to blow him off. Fortunately, he does have enough brains to tell Jess that she’s possibly ruined his life, and Liz forces Jess to go to the principal’s office with him to confess.

Then Elizabeth just fucking stands in the office with them like a parent and begs Mr. Cooper, the principal, to give them another chance. Instead of saying, “Get the hell out; this doesn’t even concern you,” Mr. Cooper says, “All right. I’ll give them a chance. But only because of you, Elizabeth.” Because Liz has adult-controlling powers. Even with all her useless worrying, she still finds time to meddle. So that was the pointless sub-plot that was used to puff up the page count.

Liz wears a slip on her date (okay, grandma) to the fancy restaurant Cote d’Or, where the butter is sculpted into tiny rosettes and Nicholas Morrow wears a “tasteful maroon ascot.” Aren’t they supposed to be teenagers? Why do they act fifty-seven? One of Liz’s getting-to-know-you questions is, without any lead-in, “Do you like to swim?” I can’t even handle this.

Elizabeth confesses during dessert that she’s not in love with him and Nicholas Morrow takes in like a champ. She thinks she’s about to get off scot-free when who should show up but Todd, who’s there celebrating his mom’s birthday. Liz reasons, “She couldn’t explain what she was doing there with Nicholas. That would just humiliate the boy she loved.” Ergo, she immediately decides to pretend to be Jessica. Right, because lying to the boy you love is so much better. These thoughts seriously come one right after the other.

At any rate, Todd totally buys it, thinking, “Elizabeth would never in the world have deceived him.” Sigh. He drives over to the Wakefields’ to apologize for doubting her, finds a twin in a towel, and smooches her. It’s Jess, of course, and they both hit the roof when they realize their precious Liz deceived them. When Liz comes home, Jess yells at her, Liz apologizes, and then Jess forgives her and says she’s over Nicholas Morrow. No! Make her grovel!

Todd ignores Liz at school, even when she tries to act as if everything’s fine. Imagine that! Mr. Collins forces Liz to cover the big basketball game Todd is starring in for The Oracle, and by “starring in” I mean “fucking up.” It’s because his heart is broken!

Nicholas Morrow goes to have a chat with ol’ Toddy and tells him that Liz loves him, blah blah. Todd lets out a “yahoop,” makes a miraculous comeback, and wins the game—and later, the girl. Snore.

It’s just so stupid! If only Liz has remained firm in her decision to say NO to Nicholas, or God, at least had the balls to be cool about the whole thing and tell Todd, “Look, Nicholas Morrow is being a pain in my ass and insisting I ‘give him a shot,’ so I’m gonna go get a free meal and humor him, okay?” And if Jessica bitched, Liz could’ve told her to STFU and remind her of all the times she screwed her over in the past. But then there wouldn’t be an issue. Or a story, but we should be so lucky.

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