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#134 – Happily Ever After

134. Happily Ever After

* Photo credit to The Closet *

Why do these royal ball gowns look like JC Penney prom dresses? In other news, that prince is sort of foxy. Too bad he’s such a whiner in this story.

While wearing their beautiful aforementioned JC Penney ball gowns, the twins are trapped in the Chateau d’Amour Inconnu’s dungeon for dramatic effect because the evil countess believes they stole her emerald pendant, when it was, in fact, Jessica’s hot new boyfriend, jewel thief Jacques Landeau. Liz bitches about Jess’s taste in men, and awesomely, Jess throws it back in her face: “I’m not the only one who fell for the wrong guy. Since when do you steal other girls’ boyfriends?” Neener neener. That’s right, righteous Liz has been canoodling with Prince Laurent, who is betrothed to the countess’s wenchy daughter, Antonia.

Anyway, because the chains that bind them are the stuff tetanus shots are made for, the twins bust out of their rusty manacles. They attempt to seduce the guard into letting them escape, but the guard all but calls them sluts when Jess asks to feel his arm muscles. Ultimately, it is the children who free the twins by feigning splinters to throw the guard, well, off guard, and they make like he’s a may pole and tie him up. Give me a break. “Before the guards could get organized” (what preparation do they need? IKEA storage tips?), the twins flee toward town in their dirty gowns to find Jacques and demand an explanation, and Liz sprains her ankle and starts bellyaching. Remember she was so hostile toward Heather Mallone for doing the same? Ah, karma is sweet.

While Jess and Liz starve and sleep on twigs beneath the stars, Laurent does his own simpering. Wah! He’s forced to stay at the ball with Antonia when all he wants to do is jump on his noble steed, Pardaillan, and rescue poor, accused Liz! When he finally weasels his way from the castle to do so, he bumps into Jacques, who tells him that he’ll take over looking for the twins while the prince goes to take a three-hour nap. You’re so unfeisty and lame, Laurent.

Jacques finds the twins in town and stuffs them full of croissants to stop them from murdering him while he tells his tragic life story: When he was young, his seamstress mother’s rich clients wouldn’t give them a farthing to help her condition improve. When she died, his father swore, “As God as my witness, I shall never go hungry again!” Thus, the stealing. His sob story works like a charm—Jess immediately embraces him: “Yes, he was a thief, and stealing was wrong. But poor Jacques, growing up without a mother!” Classic.

Meanwhile, Laurent is at the castle with the royal parentals, griping about how he should be allowed to marry whomever he chooses. Damn the man, and the country, and political alliances, and the trade wars and embargos that shall surely ensue! Finally, he agrees to marry Antonia as long as they clear the good Wakefield name. It is in the midst of his engagement announcement when the twins show up with Jacques, who confesses to the theft and is thrown in the drafty castle dungeon because an actual, modern-day jail cell would ruin the rest of this contrived plot.

Jacques’s situation appears rather grim until his father skulks into Laurent’s room in the night and explains his and his son’s plight. Laurent orchestrates a dungeon breakout so Jacques and his father can escape into the night, never to steal again. But first! Jacques must write Jessica a note, promising to love her forever and blah blah.

Laurent instantly retracts his marriage agreement now that the twins have been cleared, which makes me even more disgusted that his word is trash. I can’t believe he’s willing to throw his country in the crapper for Elizabeth Wakefield! He is one of the biggest losers in SVH I’ve ever had the non-pleasure of reading about. Even more annoyingly, his parents consent and realize how right he is to cast aside years of tradition for twoo wuv with a beautiful blond American.

When the countess learns of Laurent’s wishy-washy ways, she hints to Liz about the international trouble that’s a-brewin’, so Liz decides to run away on a train back to Sweet Valley. One of the children tells Laurent, so he hops on his horse and flags down the train so he can make out with Liz on it in front of all the other passengers, who have places to be, dontcha know. Laurent’s family then gets sick of the countess and her daughter and boots them out, and Laurent proposes marriage to Liz. Tres grossness, sirs! Liz actually entertains the thought, but ultimately turns him down. Then why was she being such a whiny bitch about him marrying Antonia if it was just a summer fling? I hate you so much, E.Wake.

And then—you’re not going to believe this, you guys—when the twins return to Sweet Valley, Liz and Todd get back together after he apologizes for being rightfully suspicious of her! At last, something new and different for those two.

Note: This is actually the last book of the SVH series I read in my mighty quest to read them all. I thought to go out on an uplifting title!

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