Why do “hellish ordeals” like this only happen to Elizabeth Wakefield? Does Francine Pascal assume that we won’t care if Jessica Wakefield gets kidnapped and tortured and never returns home again? She wouldn’t be wrong.
Liz doesn’t look that scared for someone about to be kidnapped. Instead, she looks like she’s experiencing mild surprise at the sight of Mr. Collins’ erection (which is also rumored to look like Robert Redford’s).
Liz and Jess have been working as candy stripers at the Joshua Fowler Memorial Hospital, where Liz has captured the eye of Carl, a “sad-looking, lonely hospital orderly” who’s twenty-five but is depicted as some creepy fifty-something. He develops a crush on her after she helps him pick up a tray of dropped supplies. See, it doesn’t pay to be kind in this world!
Carl kidnaps Liz just as she’s about to get into the Fiat while Jess is busy dressing provactively for a party hosted by rich newcomers Regina and Nicholas Morrow. As you can guess, Jess wants Nicholas, although she does stop to check out her own damn brother, Steven: “She really thought her brother was the most handsome guy in Sweet Valley.” What’s with this family lusting for each other’s good looks?
Although this might be totally obvious, the majority of this book is useless. The exclamation point in the title is really the only exciting thing about this story. It takes thirty pages before we get a mention of what Liz is up to, let alone the kidnapping. She awakes from a chloroform-induced slumber to find herself tied to a chair in Carl’s dump of a house. She attempts to escape a couple times, but that sly dog Carl is just too swift for her. He treats her nice enough, for a lovesick kidnapper, that is. He fork-feeds her frozen pancakes (her favorite!), buys her a sweater and some crappy books she’ll never read, and vows to take her to the mountains where she can bathe in a stream…and never escape.
Eventually, everyone freaks out when they realize Liz isn’t at the party or tutoring Droids’ guitarist Max Dellon like she promised. Max goes to the hospital to look for her and finds her scarf, sweater, and purse still sitting in the Fiat and the driver’s side door open with the keys in the ignition. The cops come and arrest him because everyone who doesn’t go to the high school is an idiot.
The cold, cruel hand of the law releases Max from its clutches, but people at SVH still doubt his innocence, like Todd Wilkins. Todd punches Max in the hallway at school, Jess is too upset to do her hair, and then the three of them decide to return to the scene of the crime to look for clues. Carl just so happens to be working that day and panics when he sees Jessica, whom he thinks is Elizabeth. (If he’s so obsessed with Liz, why did he never realize she had a twin who works at the same place?) He gives himself away, obviously, and the cops come and arrest Carl without thanking the SVH-goers for being smarter than them and doing their job. Magic twin powers save the day!
The story ends happily enough. Max Dellon aces his English test (without Liz’s help), Liz and Jess throw a party, and there’s no residue trauma whatsoever!
Other Notes
- Once again, Steven’s purposelessly home, being a loser.
- Jess and her friend Cara Walker apparently share an unspoken rule: “Thou Shalt Not Chase After The Same Boy As Your Best Friend.” Do they mean at the same time? Because Jess did go after Bruce Patman post Cara. Furthermore, Jess chases after everybody, so that leaves Cara with a raw deal.
- Regina Morrow was born deaf, but before Jess learns this, she assumes that Regina’s ignoring her and thus must be drunk. It’s the only explanation!
- Todd knows Mr. Collins’ phone number by heart, probably from calling it all the time to ask if he’s done petting Elizabeth’s sweater yet.
- When Alice Wakefield actually worries about one of her kids for the first time in her life, her husband Ned says, “Did you realize you get these cute little lines around your mouth when you get upset?” and suggests they go upstairs. Gotta love ‘em.
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