* Photo credit to The Closet *
Because the twins, Todd Wilkins, Ken Matthews, Heather Malone, and Bruce Patman are “high school leaders,” they get a four-day reprieve from classes to go on a unsupervised trek through the Death Valley desert, which is just “moments” away from the state penitentiary. Tell me this isn’t a poorly disguised attempt on Sweet Valley High’s part to get these kids killed off.
Everyone gets a buddy assigned to them—Liz/Bruce, Heather/Ken, and Jess/Todd—and nobody’s happy about it except Heather, who finds flirting with Ken the best way to get Jess’s goat. Todd wants Liz to switch partners because he’s afraid she’ll fall in love with Bruce (can you blame the poor guy?) but Liz refuses. I don’t understand why they’re all taking directions from her and acquiesing to her decisions. She’s even in charge of the water purifier, for Christ’s sake. Overthrow her, idiots! She’s in rare form, annoying everyone about everything, including:
- Wearing the proper footwear (“It’s for your own good that they recommended wearing hiking boots.”)
- Teamwork (“A team’s only as good as its members.”)
- Properly transcribing the experience (“After we eat, there should be plenty of time to write in our journals before it gets too dark.”)
- Carrying along mini TVs in one’s backpack to watch soap operas (“Heather! We were specifically instructed not to bring anything that would enable us to communicate with the outside world!”)
- Picking flowers (“The desert isn’t a florist’s shop, it’s a complex ecosystem, Heather. You can’t just desecrate nature like that!”).
- Spraining ankles (“Heather had suffered one calamity after another, and Elizabeth was sick of it.”) (Heather’s a real fuck-up by Elizabeth Wakefield standards.)
Everyone else is annoyed at Liz’s fastidiousness, so my only solace is that the other five hate on her nonstop. Since I’m feeling so “listy” today, here are some bulleted examples:
- Jess thinks, “There goes Elizabeth again, messing up my life.”
- Liz harps on everyone for not feeling privileged to have been chosen for this trip, and even good old Todd rolls his eyes at her!
- Liz leans over to examine some wildflowers. “‘Don’t fall!’ Bruce jeered, giving Elizabeth a gentle nudge with his leg as he passed her. Falling into the brush, Elizabeth was stung immediately by sharp pricklers.” (LOLOLOL)
- More Jess thoughts: “Why did Elizabeth constantly have to be the voice of reason? It was so predictable. Elizabeth positively thrived on telling people what they should and shouldn’t do.”
- “‘You really are a boring nerd, Elizabeth Wakefield,’ Bruce said, stalking off into the night.”
- “‘Your turn to build the fire, Miss Perfect. Didn’t you want to do it last night?’ Jessica asked, sounding snippy.”
- Todd thinks, “Liz usually loves to discuss and dissect intense experiences, running them into the ground until they just about lose all meaning.” (Just what a wannabe writer hopes to do!)
On day two, the gang lunches near an abandoned gold mine shaft, where they watch a news brief on Heather’s TV about how three dangerous convicts escaped the prison. They’re like, “What if we run into them?” Yes, what if?
Bound by the buddy system she was such a stickler about following, Liz follows Bruce into the mine shaft, and Jess and Todd go in to rescue them but get trapped for five seconds when the mine shaft collapses. But, tragically, they live. Then Liz reveals what she’d found: a diary dated from the California Gold Rush! But no one cares because they’re all fixated on what else she found: gold nuggets and a treasure map (marked with big Xs, of course!).
They abandon course and go on a treasure hunt. (Liz only consents to this because she thinks it’ll make an incredible article. I guess there’re all different types of greedy.) This is what happens when you let six teenagers loose in the desert with no supervision and expect them to be responsible. Oh, and Liz falls in love with Bruce again listening to his talk about future investments. Jesus Christ. Don’t ever whine about Todd being jealous, Liz.
The gang goes spelunking in a cave and finds MOAR TREZSHUR. Why is it so easy to find? They have so much gold, so they start throwing their food out of their bags to make room for it. These guys are the school leaders?
Instead of heading to the meet-up point as Elizabeth planned, Jess manipulates navigational responsibilities away from Todd and steers them toward the last X marked on the map. A fight ensues:
“I’m sick of your thinking you know what’s best for everyone, and I know I’m not the only one here who feels that way,” Todd yelled [at Liz], looking around at the others.
“Yeah, Liz. Todd was just trying to help. You were the one who shirked your responsibility,” Heather said in Todd’s defense.
“Shirked my responsibility? I’m the only responsible person in this group of overgrown children.” Elizabeth was so angry and disheartened at this point… “Jessica, you’re the most deceitful, untrustworthy person ever to walk on this planet. Todd, I can’t believe how easily you were manipulated—you’re weak and spineless. … Bruce, you think you’re awesome, but you’re just a no-good, egomaniacal buffoon. … Heather, you’re nothing but a spoiled brat who can only be counted on to flirt with any guy in sight. And, Ken, I thought you were the one person here I could count on, but you’re turning out to be absolutely worthless!”
Oh. My God. I can’t believe they aren’t stabbing her in the face and leaving her to die in the desert. I can’t get over how above everyone this bitch thinks she is. And what does everyone do in response to her outburst? NOTHING! They just keep walking! I am so angry right now.
They cross a raging river and Heather gets whisked away by the rapids. They rescue her, but she winds up losing all her gold (and her TV!). Ken thinks it was somehow Jess’s fault and they get in a big fight, and everyone winds up turning against the Wakefields! It’s super awesome. Ken writes in his journal, “I’m sitting here trying to remember how I fell in love with Jessica, but it feels like I was a whole different Ken when it happened.” Then he makes out with Heather because her face smells like soap.
Later Jess realizes someone stole her gold and thinks it’s Heather, and Heather happily admits she was “otherwise occupied,” but Ken’s like, “I don’t want to get involved.” LOL. Heather stalks off angry, and who should she stumble upon but the three convicts, sitting around with Jess’s gold! Too bad nobody believes her about it. Then she winds up with her aforementioned sprained ankle. Walk it off, Heather! I’m sick of all their plights; let’s wrap up the last five pages already. Yes, in literally just five pages, the gang finds some human skeletons in the cave, get attacked by scorpions, and get caught in a storm. That’s more than what happened in the first five Sweet Valley High books.
Other Notes:
- How is Heather’s TV getting reception in no man’s land?
- Naturally, Bruce’s adventure journal is the best. An excerpt: I’m learning how much cooler I am than the rest of this bunch. … I can’t believe I’m actually writing this stuff. Who needs to write when you can afford a secretary?
- Jess says, “‘I’ll bet you right now [Heather’s] digging up my gold from where she hid it last night.’ ‘But she was off with your boyfriend last night,’ Bruce reminded her.” I resent that Bruce is now so fucking great.
- Heather still has a “smooth, tanned calf” after four days in the desert. Don’t you know that girls of Sweet Valley have perennially hairless legs?
- FINALLY! Ken asks the burning question: “What is with those Wakefield women that makes them think they’re better than everybody?” Oh, Ken. Maybe there’s hope for you yet.
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