* Photo credit to The Closet *
I actually like the right-hand scene; Big Ben is really wooing me. I can’t tell the girls apart for once! Who’s wearing the watch? And is that nerdface to the left really what Liz’s new paramour, Luke Shepard, looks like? Oh dear. And they give Winston Egbert’s face shit.
Thanks to their internship at the Sweet Valley News that lasted several hundred thrillers, the twins magically scored summer internships at the London Journal. This means the story is full of every stereotype you always heard about London but were too smart to trust. It’s always raining! All hot guys are related to the royal family! Silly Americans scream when their taxi driver drives on the left side of the road! We must take time to point out the big, black taxis and get lost in English fog and gawk at the Buckingham Palace guards and listen to music played by a dude named Basil! (We must also OD on exclamation points.)
Since this story serves no use but to set up the other two books [1] [2], here’s a rundown on all the plots to pay attention to:
- The twins are rooming at Housing for International Students (HIS—“an international version of Sweet Valley High”) with Lina Smith, a poor-as-dirt sweetie from Liverpool; Portia Albert, a raging snob/wannabe-actress daughter of a famous Shakespearean actor; and Emily Cartwright, a useless chick from Australia who makes Enid Rollins seem arresting. However, as it turns out, Portia is only acting like a bitch to get in character for a role. That is quite the excuse. I’ll have to try that someday.
- Liz thinks something’s up with Lina and takes it upon herself to analyze the things she says and even check out her eyeglass prescription to find out what her deal is and why she won’t date David Bartholomew, a bookish dude who’s hot for her. It turns out that Lina is actually the missing Princess Eliana, the sixteen-year-old daughter of the queen and “darling of the British press and public.” She confides in Liz that she ran away because she was so tired of her over-privileged life and she wants to live like the lower class. Liz’s trustworthiness personified clearly transcends the Atlantic.
- Who should the twins run into at HIS but Rene Glize, the dude they met in France once upon a super edition! It’s a small, convenient world after all! He’s in love with Liz (oh GOD), and although “she had a boyfriend back home—she was in love with Todd Wilkins and always would be… she couldn’t deny it; the sparks were still there between her and Rene Glize.” Of course they are! But Rene sends Liz roses and asks her on a date, and she’s like, “I’m sure we both want the same thing—to be very good friends.” Then she blows him off and thinks he’s “overreacting” when he’s unhappy about it. I can’t believe there are actually dudes who are as into Liz as she’s into herself.
- Moreover, Liz has met shy weirdo Luke Shepard at the London Journal. He’s a poet who looks like Lord Byron, for Christ’s sake—how could she resist? (Obviously it doesn’t even have to be good poetry. Jesus, Todd, all you have to do is whip up some haiku and maybe you can touch Liz’s boobs too. Look, I just rhymed unintentionally—even you can do it, Whizzer!) Luke and Liz cry together over his dead mom during tea, and Luke chats at length about decapitated people and is obsessed with werewolves, and it’s kind of surprising that Liz is even into him. If this were Sweet Valley, everyone would probably flatten themselves against the rows of locker when he passed. I guess what happens in London, stays in London…
- While all this nonsense is occurring, people are being murdered and somehow the Pembroke family, owners of the Journal, are involved and possibly covering up the homicides. Furthermore, the victims (including a little dog!) had their throats ripped out by what appears to be a “wild beast”! The twins think it must be a werewolf. After all, what other logical explanation can there be?
- At the Journal, Liz and Jess yawn as they cover the incompetent Sergeant Bumpo’s petty crime cases. (Of course a dude’s gonna be bungling with a name like that.) And it’s through doing so that Jess meets wild, London bad boy Lord Robert Pembroke, a foxy dude with royal blood (who smokes! How hot and un-American!). This may surprise you, but they fall in love, and he invites Jess, Liz and Luke for an awkward weekend at Pembroke Manor because Liz is super sure that Robert, Jess’s new love of her life, is behind the murders because his cigarette case was found at the scene of the crime and she thinks he’s pretentious. My, my, look who wants to incriminate someone based on circumstantial evidence…
- The book ends with the possibility of Jess being murdered! Fear not, readers; for some reason (namely fifty-some more SVH books), I doubt this.
Other Notes:
- Why does interning at a newspaper = easy access to crime scenes?
- I had to el-oh-el at Liz’s first meeting Luke: “Before she could finish her question, the boy sprang to his feet, still staring at her… ‘I must…take care of something,’ the boy muttered vaguely.
- For convenience’s sake, there’s a full moon every night in London. Sweet Valley High defies the laws of science and the pattern of the tides!
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