* Photo credit to The Closet *
Jessica—in the pink—looks like an annoying twelve-year-old. What is wrong with the twins’ faces? I appreciate, however, how there was actual effort on the artist’s part when depicting Bruce Patman, who looks foxy, although I doubt he’d ever wear a Marlon Brando get-up like that.
Plot A: Mercury is in retrograde! Really. This is a plot.
Plot B: Bruce’s life is in shambles because his parents—Hank and Marie—are separating, and so the twins have made it their mission to get them back together because… I don’t know. Bruce tried to assault both of them before [1] [2], but they really care that he’s happy, and “knowing that Jessica was an expert on affairs of the heart and matters of manipulation, they had all turned to her for a plan.” Alice Wakefield suddenly gains an ounce of sense and says, “We don’t have the right to interfere in their personal lives,” and Ned chimes in with, “As a family, we’ve never believed in meddling in other people’s private affairs.” I’d add a list of refutations to that statement, but doing so would take all day. And of course, fucking LIZ is like, “Maybe we could just do this one thing…”
Plan One is forging a love letter but Jess screws it up. (See Plot C.) Plan Two is a bit more intense—the twins put Krazy Glue in the ignition locks of the Patmans’ lawyers’ cars so they won’t be able to get to the divorce meeting. That’s sort of fucked up! I can’t believe Liz consented to such brazen vandalism. Then Jess attempts to place the Patmans’ wedding album in the room where they’re supposed to get divorced as a not-so-subliminal message but she gets stuck in an elevator.
Plan Three is having “Hank” send Marie a truckload of goldenrods and naturally Marie’s allergic to them and winds up in the hospital on her death bed. I only wish I were exaggerating. Plan Four involves Liz wearing a mic while asking Alice a bunch of intrusive questions about why it didn’t work out between her and Hank back in the torrid 1960s, but they accidentally deliver the wrong cassette. It just ain’t in the stars!
Plan Five is “the master plan”: an intervention where Bruce and the fucking twins get Hank and Marie together to explain why they’re perfect for each other. But Jess actually gets her toe stuck in the bathtub faucet and the twins get locked in their bathroom so they can’t make it, and Bruce gets a flat and can’t be there either. But that’s cool, because Hank and Marie see all the romantic memorabilia Bruce and the twins scrounged up, fall in love again, and validate the twins’ nosiness. The day is saved!
Plot C: There’s a newcomer from Boston in town—Michael Hampton, who cruises the streets in his red Mazda Miata. Naturally, he’s the most gorgeous man Jess has ever seen in her life and she fantasizes about them walking the halls, “arm in arm, both wearing faded jean jackets.”
But Jess just can’t be cool around him! They meet when Jess gets her arm stuck in a mailbox when trying to retrieve a stamp-less letter and gets totally busted by the cops. That’s actually sort of lol-worthy. Then Michael witnesses Jess actually getting trapped in her own locker (how big are these lockers? How small are these twins?). Then she has a Marilyn Monroe moment with a gust of wind and accidentally flashes him her days-of-the-week underpants. Damn you, Mercury!
But it turns out that Michael is “shy and insecure,” and also thinks that Liz is the one getting stuck in lockers and mailboxes, so assumes that she’s more his type, so he sends Liz flowers and a poem. Feast your eyes:
I never dreamed or hoped I’d see,
A girl like you who trips like me.
You’re beautiful and clumsy, too,
You’re just my secret dream come true.
I’ll see your face where e’er I roam,
Won’t you please let me drive you home?
Liz realizes the mistaken identity problem and whips up a plan (MOAR PLANZ): Liz is going to meet Michael, pretending she’s Liz, “but not the Elizabeth that Jessica has been pretending to be… So then Michael is going to realize that he’s really in love with Jessica.” I’m trying to think if this plan could be any more roundabout… No, I don’t think so. Liz acts cool and distant around him, and Michael’s all, “What happened to the Danny Zuko I met at the beach?” and Liz is all, “I don’t know, maybe there are two of us.” (I had to.) Then Michael realizes that Jess is his “soul mate” and is even more endeared to her knowing that she was trying to cover up her embarrassment. But poor guy—Jess goes on a date with him and rejects him because he’s so klutzy and reserved. And that’s the end of that dude!
Plot D: The Bruce-and-Liz torrid affair is basically forgotten, although Bruce “actually had been a little in love with her.” So gross. Anyway, now that Liz and Todd Wilkins are back together, Bruce decides that his ex-girlfriend Pamela Robertson really is the girl for him. Talk about love the one you’re with, y/n? He finally manages to sweet talk Pamela back into his life with very little effort on his part and it isn’t very exciting.
Other Notes:
- Liz bullies Todd into supporting her helping the guy she had an affair with. Then she starts questioning, “I belong with Todd, don’t I?” Oh, for Christ’s sake. Please fall off a motorcycle again; at least then we had some peace and quiet.
- For going behind their parents’ backs all last book, the twins get grounded for—oh noes!—one whole week! And Liz has to do some laundry. Naturally, they sneak out every day. Ned needs to be more for capital punishment.
- Continuity problem!: “‘And [1-900-ZODIACS] said Sandy [Bacon] was in for a week of passion and romance,” said Jeannie [West], “and Scott [Trost] showed up five minutes later with a dozen long-stemmed roses.’” Gee, Jeannie, you sound pretty calm about your boyfriend bringing your best friend such romantic flowers…
- As always, I do so love Bruce and Jess’s bitchy banter. Por ejemplo, when Jess falls silent after flashing Michael Hampton, Bruce asks:“What happened? Did you slip into a coma?”
“I was just thinking,” Jessica returned. “But I guess you don’t know what that’s like.”…
“What were you thinking about… Michael Hampton, perhaps?… I hope he knows what day it is.”
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