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#102 – Almost Married

102. Almost Married

* Photo credit to The Closet *

Todd Wilkins looks so boyish as he burns the French toast in order to gaze with love at his precious Liz, who has the face of a housewife in an illustrated 1950s cookbook. I like Jess’ bored expression as she slumps around, giving us a glimpse of those perfect, tanned thighs that every teenage boy in Sweet Valley has been between.

Alice Wakefield is leaving town to go flutz around Chicago with Bruce’s dad Hank Patman over some design project, and Liz is peeing her pants over it because, as you know, she and Bruce think their parents are affairing because they saw a picture of them together in wedding garb. Jess actually wants to do the practical thing and just ask her mom about the portrait, but Liz is like, “But if you do that, I can’t snoop around and jump to conclusions!” Well, basically. I thought Liz was supposed to be the practical twin.

Ned Wakefield and Todd’s parents are also going to be conveniently out of the way for the week, so Todd is beside himself at the prospect of staying at the Wakefield pad and “practicing being married” to Liz. When I read this book once upon a time, I totally thought Liz and Todd Wilkins were gonna do it. I mean, they’re all alone in a house with no adult supervision and the title is Almost Married. But Todd actually volunteers to crash on the couch. I don’t know who is more delusional: him or me. Still, Liz acts all guilty about it so Jess vows her silence if Liz and Todd make her meals and do her chores, and Todd accepts her conditions because he’s just so freaking excited. He’s all about driving into the driveway together, that’s how thrilled he is. Still, I give him props for being so beside himself at the prospect of spending time with Liz that he hopes a trip to the Videomat will be romantic. (Liz drinks six cups of espresso at the Laundromat and starts acting like a drunk. But at least she doesn’t kill anybody this time.)

But Liz is screwing things up because she’s rushing over to meet Bruce so they can worry about their parents together and she’s not even telling Todd about Alice’s whole “affair,” a fact that Jess enjoys rubbing in Todd’s face. So this “marriage” is already off to a great start. And this is the kind of detective work that Liz and Bruce are doing:

“They’re such different types of people!” Elizabeth exclaimed. “How did they ever get together?”
Bruce appeared as stumped as Elizabeth, but suddenly his eyes lit up. “Maybe if we can figure that out,” he said thoughtfully, “it’ll help us understand what’s going on now.”

Um, how? I really only hurt myself with my morbid curiosity. Anyway, they find a mushy letter and some wedding bands…and friendship. Because ex-date rapists need buddies too. (Except if you’re John Pfeifer, but he wasn’t rich, so that makes him irrevocably bad.) In fact, it has Bruce seeing Liz in a whole new light: “Sweet, perceptive, gentle, honest, beautiful. Incredibly beautiful. Gorgeous, in fact.” Spare me. And when his mom moves out of the mansion, Bruce, “with no thought, with no premeditation, purely instinctively, [reaches] out…for Elizabeth Wakefield.” And while Jess is bitching about Todd making her orange juice too pulpy, Liz is thinking about how much Todd’s presence is overwhelming her. Then she leaves him to sort, bundle, and take out the recyclables while she drives to school with Bruce. That’s sort of fucked up! Then she starts—you’ll never believe this—avoiding Todd. I wonder if Liz’ll ever do anything I agree with.

Bruce is just so sad his mom left that Liz invites him over and they find out that Hank Patman orchestrated this food drop via plane for some protesters in the sixties. Then Todd comes home, brimming with roses and romance, and Liz is all whatevs about it and blah blah. It’s sort of shitty that Todd’s technically a guest in her house and she sticks him with making dinner and doing all the chores while she lounges around the pool with Bruce Patman. When Todd pouts about it, she thinks, “What a wet blanket. He’d probably pictured a candlelit dinner for two, but that’s just too bad.” Why is she such a heartless turd? Shun!

The twins then learn that the hotel phone number Hank and Alice gave Bruce and them is the same. Jess wants to call the hotel and confirm that it’s the same, but Liz is like, “No! That would just make too much sense!” Well, basically, again. Liz and Bruce go sleuthing at their parents’ old university and stumble across some newspaper blurbs about Alice and Hank, and Liz thinks, “It’s starting to make sense, why Mom and Mr. Patman fell in love. And if Bruce is so much like his father, and I’m so much like my mother…” Meanwhile, Bruce is thinking, “If Dad could fall in love with Alice Robertson, why shouldn’t I fall in love with her daughter?” SCOFF. Then Liz gets all huffy when Bruce has to give Todd a ride home because his car broke down and whines about slow dancing with Todd at the Beach Disco (“This must be the long version of this song”) because she wants to get back to dancing saucy Latin dances with Bruce. What a bitch, man.

The twins want to throw a pool party on Saturday and Todd gets pissed because Liz wants Bruce around more than him. I wish Todd would just go home and stop letting Liz make him feel like shit. Instead, he hangs around and makes everyone food, despite that Liz is totally blowing him off. Meanwhile, Bruce’s girlfriend Pamela Robertson is aware that Bruce is hot for Liz so she “gives him his freedom,” and Bruce is like, “Yay!” and runs off to French Liz in her kitchen. Todd totally catches them, and Liz was like, “It wasn’t the way it looked. He’s in a lot of pain!… You won’t let me be.” Oh, shut up, Liz.

Todd storms out but thinks that “it was at least partly his fault that he and Elizabeth hadn’t been seeing eye to eye”: “I just assumed living together would automatically make us closer. I was so busy laying out my own agenda, I didn’t even consider her feelings.” Oh, psh. Back at the Wakefields’, Liz is so fraught with emotion that she nearly dies in the swimming pool, but Todd shows up just in the nick of time to save her (a la Ned and Alice in the sixties!). He and Liz pledge their eternal love to each other during another hackneyed vow while Bruce kicks the grass dejectedly.

Then Alice comes home early to see the party in full swing! She scolds Liz for having Todd stay over until Liz jumps up and demands some answers re: the affair. Bruce sits in on Alice’s summary of The Wakefield Legacy and then everyone starts scheming about how to get Bruce’s parents back together. And so, this marks the kabillionth book that Liz cheats on Todd and everyone acts so surprised about it. Boring.

Other Notes:

  • Sweet Valley is still in the midst of a heat wave, you guys! If the characters aren’t freaking out about their own melodrama, they’re reminding us that it’s hot.
  • The book dismisses any concerns that Jess and Liz are related to Bruce by saying simply that it’s not possible because Bruce and Liz “did the math.” Huh? How does that explain anything?
  • There’s a crapload of old furniture the Patmans are saving in the attic for when Bruce gets his own place. Yeah, right—they’d totally buy him brand new shizz.
  • Bruce had a great-grandmother named “Minnie.” Where was she in The Patmans of Sweet Valley?
  • So Bruce’s girlfriend Pamela has the same last name as Alice did before she married Ned Wakefield. Did they run out of last names? I think there’s like, some designated list of names that the ghostwriters are allowed to choose from, and that’s it.

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