* Photo credit to The Closet *
The Boyfriend War? Please. We’ve been down this path, with the likes of Showdown, and basically every other SVH story.
It’s one book after Margo tried to kill Liz, and of course, everyone is still pretty traumatized. SIKE! For real, though: Everyone’s totally over it. You would think that the Wakefield twins would be spending every waking hour in therapy. However, Jess is off to the Caribbean with Lila Fowler for spring break while Liz stays home to write an extra-credit report on her mother Alice. Liz, you’re such a loser. You have your pick of ancestors with interesting lives, and yet you choose the biggest bore of them all.
Let’s first dish about the antics concerning Jessica and Lila. It isn’t until the frenemies officially arrive in the Caribbean that Jess learns that this isn’t quite the all-expenses-paid, luxurious vacation she’d anticipated. Here’s what’s up: Lila’s uncle (Jimmo) owns Kiddie Paradise—a Club Med for spoiled brats whose parents are too busy getting massages and golfing and fucking their tennis instructors to care for their own brood—and Jess and Lila are counselors to a pack of kindergartners.
Enraged at her predicament, Jess denounces Lila as a friend and declares her an arch-nemesis. It seems like a drastic response, but when did Jessica Wakefield ever do anything halfway? Besides, while Lila’s group of kids are as well-behaved as “von Trapp family singers” (who literally walk in file singing “Row, row, row your yacht…”), Jess’s charges make Rosemary’s baby look downright cherubic.
When Lila falls for a sexy albeit arrogant windsurfing instructor named Mick (ick), Jess vows to get revenge on her friend by seducing Mick away. Mick dates both Jess and Lila, and he’s an absolute tool. For one, he’s catty, hating on other women just to prove to his date he’s not attracted to them. He also says obnoxious things like, “Am I your type? Do you go for tall, attractive guys with great bodies and long, sexy hair?” Well, yes, but… Wait, SHUT UP, Mick!
The girls’ conflict culminates in a nasty physical altercation during a game of chicken. Later, Jessica actually slaps Lila for telling her that Mick called her a dumb blonde (which he did). Ugh—the worst! All of them!
Ultimately, the girls’ anger at Mick reunites them—especially when they learn he’s been seeing at least three other gals that week. They get back at him during the Kiddie Paradise counselor talent event by putting on a magic show, during which they smash his expensive waterproof watch and chop off his long, sexy hair and dye it purple. Mick is just about to murder the both of them when their kindergartners materialize wielding sticks (the movie Freaks comes to mind), and he flees. Oh, Jesus.
Back in Sweet Valley, Bruce Patman is consumed in his own life drama and it’s fucking hilarious. He walks around, crankier than usual, flinging his lunch at innocent trees and wondering, “Why me? I own a Porsche, for Pete’s sake!” That quote was verbatim, by the way. He also flips out at his friends for going on vacation with their families: “You guys are losers! I can’t believe how pathetic you are!” He literally said that. He’s killing me.
It turns out Bruce’s parents are separating. That’s why he’s ready to park 1bruce1 in the garage, turn the key in the ignition, and take a long, long nap in the back seat. Then he overhears his dad, Hank, chatting up Alice Wakefield and giggling with her about how he sent her flowers. Bruce uses his high-quality secondary school education to connect the dots and deduces that Alice and Hank having an affair. He rants and raves to Liz, who brushes him off…until Alice and Hank jet-set off to Chicago on a business trip. Then Liz snoops through the attic and finds a picture of Alice and Hank on their wedding day, and she and Bruce start pooping their pants over it. Ah, the secret lives of parents, oui?
At that moment, Bruce and Liz decide to team up to gather evidence supporting that their parents are affairing. What a dream team! Here we silly readers were, foolishly thinking we’d heard the end of these two hanging out after Bruce tried to sexually assault her. Remember that bit?
Actually, that moment is addressed for what may be the first time ever: “Bruce had tried to take advantage of her [when Elizabeth had amnesia and her defenses were down]—what guy wouldn’t? Unfortunately, she got her memory back just in time, ran right out of her house, and wrecked his plans for the evening.” …That’s it? That charming little write-up makes the premise of him sticking his junk in her against her will sound almost non-criminal.
And to think there’s still more incredulous nonsense to come!
Other Notes:
- Jessica’s life attitude in a nutshell: “She was too busy thinking about her own wonderful life to listen to stories about other people.”
- Sweet Valley is in the midst of a heatwave! Lest you forget, it’s mentioned every five seconds in order to emphasize the “passion” that’s supposed to go down in this trilogy.
- The twins own ridiculous amounts of tennis dresses.
- Jess also canoodles with Larry the Lifeguard. What is up with these horrible boy names?
- Some overweight hate! Jess bitches at some chick for harping on her: “You’re just jealous because you’re too fat to be a cheerleader and to have boys notice you!” Oh, what I wouldn’t give to see a size-eight Wakefield!
- …Uncle Jimmo?
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