* Photo credit to The Closet *
A broken Christmas ornament! This is evil!
It’s the season to be jolly, and at this point, Liz and Jess haven’t spoken to each other in roughly six months, since the Jungle Prom. That’s serious, considering they share a bathroom! Their parents, Ned and Alice, are cheerful, though, and make plans to go live it up in San Francisco around New Year’s. I’m shaking my head as I type. Where are social services? Even Liz thinks miserably, “They probably can’t wait to get away from their kids; they probably wish they’d never had us.” I can’t stress the word duh enough.
Both twins struggle to get in the Christmas spirit, but it’s just not happening. It doesn’t help matters that they’re getting anonymous Christmas candy canes saying things such as, “Wreck the halls with bloody bodies.” Of course they’re from Margo, who’s skipping with evil glee through the hallowed halls of Sweet Valley High. She poses as Elizabeth several times and even fools Alice. Why am I not surprised?
Margo can’t trick Enid Rollins with her Liz disguise, but she figures she’ll just kill Enid when she’s Liz. You know, people don’t really talk about how a liberal application of murder can solve all their problems. Margo’s lease on life is so refreshing.
She also gets to feel up Liz’s numba-one stud, Todd Wilkins, and he suspects something ain’t right, but he just thinks Liz is acting weird or else he’s making out with Jess. I mean, that’s fair. After all, who could predict that someone would become so obsessed with a Wakefield twin’s perfect life that she’d want to become one? (Like they need bigger egos.)
James is still seeing Jess and is now full-on in love with her, thus he wants no part in Margo’s little scheme anymore. (You can tell he’s a reformed villain because now he’s trying to quit smoking.) He tells Margo he wants out, and she swears she’ll kill him and Jessica if he continues to see the twin. He breaks it off with Jessica for her sake but decides that he’ll just leave town after he tells Jess the truth about Margo. Howevs, when he calls Jess to tell him to meet her, Margo overhears the convo. Oh noes! Tension!
Josh Smith is still stalking Margo in honor of his dead little brother, and finds out where she lives thanks to the catering service Margo worked at for the Fowler wedding. He overhears Margo talk about going to the marina, but it’s all part of her plan, which is to pretend to be Jess when she meets James and shoves him off a cliff. Todd and the actual Wakefield twins arrive at that moment to witness James’s death, and Josh is conveniently there to pin the crime on. Wow, two consecutive dead boyfriends, Jess. I would go on a man-fast if I were you.
Josh is thrown in jail, but naturally outwits a cop and escapes. How is Josh just a teenager? And how is Margo so smart? I’m almost jealous.
Ned and Alice abandon their officially traumatized children to go to San Francisco so Ned can interview for some consulting job. Eventually they learn that it’s just a wild goose chase (orchestrated by Margo to keep them away!) and hurry home by literally planes, trains, and automobiles.
Meanwhile, Liz keeps having dreams about what happened at the Jungle Prom, and from them realizes that Jess spiked her drink. Oh, right, the GOSPEL that is Elizabeth Wakefield’s dreams. She goes to Lila’s New Year’s party with Todd all pissed off and determined to hate Jess forever.
Margo, dressed exactly like Liz, lures Elizabeth out to the pool house, where she surprises her with a knife. But instead of acting out her big plan, Margo goes into a big spiel of how and why and blah blah. All this Dr. Evil-level blathering gives Jess the opportunity to arrive in the nick of time and jump in front of the knife. She really cares for her sister after all!
After some scrimmaging, Jess winds up with the knife, but of course can’t tell Liz and Margo apart. I actually laughed at this; how freaking classic. Then Josh Smith bursts in and pushes Margo out a window, and she gets a nice piece of glass in her throat. The end and Happy New Year!
Other Notes:
- The back cover reads, verbatim: “The twins aren’t speaking to each other. Sweet Valley is in chaos.” I hate this series.
- Margo keeps swearing to upgrade Liz’s life when she takes over—better friends, better clothes, better everything. Why not just be Jessica then?
- Lila’s “signature” ice cream flavor is Million Dollar Mocha. Quelle surprise. Here I was, expecting Poverty-Ridden Pistachio.
- Jess expresses my sentiments exactly: “I don’t know if I’ll ever understand it. [Margo] came all the way from Ohio to California to find [Liz]—to kill [Liz], to be [Liz]?” RIGHT?! That’s what we’re all saying!!
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